I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
