I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
