i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
