Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
