he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
