just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
