my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
