HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
