i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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