I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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