His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
