the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
