I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
