My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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