I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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