at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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