Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!