Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
