Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I can't turn off my feet"
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.