i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
this will be a night to untag.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16