Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
