Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
