Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize