I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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