I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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