I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
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