Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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