First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
