you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
