I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
