Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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