conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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