He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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