I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
