I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
