I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
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no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT