Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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