No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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