I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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