im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
