Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
