I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
