What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
