I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She told me I should be a condom model.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
