The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
