I smell stomach acid.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
