can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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