Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
