I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
