I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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