My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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