No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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