I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
