Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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