the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
