Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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