I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
