I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
