I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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