I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
