His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
