what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
