I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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