I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
