my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
