Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
